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TOPIC: Universal Jokes and One-Liners?

Universal Jokes and One-Liners? 5 years 1 month ago #2342

Just wondering do you have any jokes that you use in performance that can be adapted to many effects/ scenarios?

An example is one that I use often in my performances:

I ask a spec to select a card I then will ask them if they're comfortable with that selection or would like to change their mind...

When they say that they want to keep the card they selected I reply, you want to keep the mind you have great choice...



I'm curious to see what everyone else uses in their shows...
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Re:Universal Jokes and One-Liners? 5 years 1 month ago #2343

... Also if i'm doing the trick for a female, and they decide to change their selected card I say "Typical female" making sure to laugh and smile as they don't take offense to the response
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Re:Universal Jokes and One-Liners? 5 years 1 month ago #2344

Those are some good ones.
There are literally a ton of these out there. Here are just a few:
1) Introducing yourself:
a) I once performed for the king of Poland. At least he said he was the king of
Poland.
What he said was "If you're a magician I'm the king of Poland.
b) When approaching a table: "Hello, my name is... and I'm the entertainment.
My job is to be amazing - Your job is to be amazed. I'll do my best to keep
my end of the bargain, and I'll leave the rest up to your consciences.

2) Someone asks you how you did the effect:
a) Look totally perplexed, and say "I have absolutely no idea!
b) Same as the last trick, but this time I used a different method.
c) I don't know, it's never worked before.
d) What? You mean there's a trick to this? All these years I've been doing it
the hard way!

3) Somebody asks you if you can do it again:
a) I certainly hope so -- I have another show tomorrow.
b) I can't, I don't know how I did it in the first place.
c) Why? What did I do wrong the first time?
d) I promised Sigfried and Roy I wouldn't do it
again, or they won't let me pet their kittens!
e) You sound just like my wife.. "Do it again, do it again!"

4) If you drop something by accident:
a) This is what magicians call "misdirection" because as I’m here messing up
this trick, I have my assistant sneaking an elephant into the other room.
b) That's funny, it worked in the magic shop....
c) You know that trick where they saw a woman in half? I can't do that one either...
d) That was caused by a sudden surge of gravity!
e) You should have seen me practice!

5) Card lines:

a) (After A Card Has Been Picked) Do you want to change your mind, or are you happy with the mind you have?
b) When you offer a spectator a deck to shuffle, and they get very involved, say, "Take your time, I get paid by the hour”.
c) Spec: Can I shuffle?
Magi: Let me finish this card trick, and then you can dance.
d) After a selection of a card, say, "If I had to guess, I'd say your card was a red card, would I be right?" No? I'm glad I don't guess."
e) Is your card a red card? No? Actually they're all red cards. (*Show red backs of red deck*)
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Re:Universal Jokes and One-Liners? 5 years 1 month ago #2346

I like those a lot V

ANother one of my favs is:

When someone asks how it's done

"Are you familiar with mood rings? They change color based on the heat of you hand... This has nothing to do with that"


Also I used to work in a magic shop where we sold crystal balls... people would come in and say what are those?

"Those sir, are crystal balls..."

Wow, do they really work

"[Taking it off the shelf] Yes sir, actually if you stare into it for 24-hours you can see tomorrow..."
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Re:Universal Jokes and One-Liners? 5 years 1 month ago #2348

I like this one...

Spec: How do you do it?
You: Well, can you keep a secret?
Spec leans in...
You: So can I.
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All cards and no ropes makes Ben a dull boy.
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Re:Universal Jokes and One-Liners? 5 years 1 month ago #2349

You stole mine KP! ;)
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Re:Universal Jokes and One-Liners? 5 years 1 month ago #2350

I think its quite well known :P
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Re:Universal Jokes and One-Liners? 5 years 1 month ago #2374

Some nice idea's in here. I like having witty comments when I make a mistake, no so much for picking on my spectators. My own contribution:

When I drop something I usually say something along the lines of "looks like this is going to be a floor show". I change the exact line depending on the situation, usually gets a chuckle and gets you out of that awkwardness of making a mistake.
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"For those who believe, no explanation is necessary, for those who do not, none will suffice." Quote by Joseph Dunninger
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Re:Universal Jokes and One-Liners? 5 years 1 month ago #2387

When I "flash" a trick or it doen't come out right i've been known to yell out... "this trick;s broken" lol
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Re:Universal Jokes and One-Liners? 5 years 1 month ago #2388

when a trick (say a coin or card trick) goes wrong, i say, "oh, i guess the battery's dead"... then walk away
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Re:Universal Jokes and One-Liners? 5 years 1 month ago #2452

To be honest, I don't like stock lines very much. Sure with time I have some lines I always use and some of them I got somewhere else.
I try to really add-lib in the situation if possible.

And if something goes wrong I can really recommend not to try to witty but just addmit it (provided that you already made clear that your are good with your previous tricks) If you do so you will appear much more human and the audience likes you more.
Best
Tom
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Re:Universal Jokes and One-Liners? 5 years 1 month ago #2460

I like Tom don't use stock lines. My logic is that crappy magician don't bother creating custom patter and bits of business so by using stock lines i'd fear sounding like every crappy magician (hold this. no with the clean hand. oh, that was the clean hand.) the audience has ever encountered.
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Re:Universal Jokes and One-Liners? 5 years 1 month ago #2461

I think as long as they are funny and not corny, and your style is to be funny, then go for it.
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Re:Universal Jokes and One-Liners? 5 years 1 month ago #2462

This is a pretty good source if you are looking for lines to say.
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Re:Universal Jokes and One-Liners? 5 years 1 month ago #2469

Also to consider: Is a the Oneliner funny only for you or also for your audience.
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Re: Universal Jokes and One-Liners? 3 years 1 month ago #13286

Some lines i use are

When handing a sharpie for a card to be signed say "take the sharpie watch its sharpe"

"sign your name on the face not your ownface the faceof the card thatsa different trick"

"Please cand you confirm sis we havn`t met sorry I mean miss"

Whats your name [insert name here] that is correct.

When doing coin magic and I drop a coin " thats the thing about money always slipping thru your fingers"

they are just a few I use I do have loads more
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Re: Universal Jokes and One-Liners? 3 years 4 weeks ago #13290

lol ... I like the sis... i mean miss one ... and the sharpie..watch its sharp... those are good.
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Re: Universal Jokes and One-Liners? 3 years 4 weeks ago #13293

All very funny, but V had me in stitches :silly:
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Re: Universal Jokes and One-Liners? 3 years 4 weeks ago #13299

The tribulations within the interchangeable 'Lines', is they remain trite, Likewise Interchangeable from Performer upon Performers, such 'Scripting' shall remain a 'Personal Selection'
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